Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
