I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
