i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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