I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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