Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
