everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
