Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Someone signed my nipple.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
