He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
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