Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
