Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
