So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
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