so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
