Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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