I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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