Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
