dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Who died my cat blue again?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Randomize
