I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
