Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize