So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
