Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
