Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
