You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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