Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
