JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
organizing the empties. That sober.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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