is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Randomize
