My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Vodka?
Forever.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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