laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
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Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
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If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
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