What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Randomize
