We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
