My liver just broke up with me...
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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