we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
