call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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