im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
