oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
