I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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