i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Randomize
