Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
