I got chris browned last night
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
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Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
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I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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