i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
my shit smells like andre
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
