shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Sorry about my life...
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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