can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
ok first of all what the fuck
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
