Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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