That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
