Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Randomize
