This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
