pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
