the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
