the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
My vagina just recognized that song.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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