I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
