i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
