That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
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Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Text me some of your sweat
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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