It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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