my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
everyone is single if you try hard enough
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Randomize
