I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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