I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
she pinky promised me she was 18
I miss vodka workout Fridays
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
