Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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