his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
