Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
my phone needs a breathalizer
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
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