People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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