My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
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