I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
