we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
