Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
